i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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