He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
