I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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