i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
