Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
