I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Actions speak louder than pants.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
