my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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