Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Randomize
