Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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