My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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