If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
In other news, I just burned my penis
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
