Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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