I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
