he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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