Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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