god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
