I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
