You just made me feel so damn special
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
