that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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