you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
