here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
