On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
