i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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