I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
