So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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