So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
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