he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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