Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
