yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
