imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
