Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
