I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
