Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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