After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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