Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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