god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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