the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
