You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
