There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I can text with my tongue
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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