im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
