our cab driver is having phone sex.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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