Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
