i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
