It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
