When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
