I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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