cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
