My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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