did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
