he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
