my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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